trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
🤣😂🤣
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!