Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.