Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Covid like

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Here’s a meme

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes