Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter