Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.
Relationship status: My hand told me it has a headache.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
All I’m saying is that if your name is Shannon, and you name your daughter after yourself, you better name her Shannonagain.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.