Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
“It has more sensors!”
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.