Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
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“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Choose your fighter
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT