@sixfootcandy

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

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@MarionDowling

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

@thatdutchperson

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

@Sourcoast

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

@GrandadJFreeman

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

@SkippyMcGizzard

All I’m saying is that if your name is Shannon, and you name your daughter after yourself, you better name her Shannonagain.

@TheSweetestD_

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.