Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

“our sushi is very fresh”

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.