Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.