Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.