trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.