trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
i think both sides are to blame here
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago