Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
You Might Also Like
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
