Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby