Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
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The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I wanna be friends with this person
Monica just destroyed the internet
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
some Old Testament wisdom
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.