Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
You Might Also Like
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
knights of the ikea table
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
i want enemies
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.