Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Ummm
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
im all 3
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
