Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

🤷‍♀️