@Reverend_Scott

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

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@panTdropper

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

@squirrel74wkgn

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@LunaKayne

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

@FuckabillyRex

Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.

@mjkspeaks

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.