“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
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I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me: collaborate and listen
Me: you forget about me
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.