Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.