Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

Introverted vegans go meetless

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.