Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
smartest karate player in the world
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.