Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass