Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
man: wait
time: no
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.