Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?