Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

🐟✨ #re4

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.