Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
