Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.