trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.