trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.


My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.


I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.


Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?


Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company


There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.


When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’


Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.


Made a relationship pact with my best friend: If neither of us is married by the time we’re 40, we honestly tell each other what traits make us unlovable.