trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man