Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word