Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

“You’d better run, egg!”

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Life hack

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.