Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.