Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

😬

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.