Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
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MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
this was the best i’ve ever seen
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Very good news from my accountant
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.