Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
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I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My purse is deeper than some people.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.