*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me đ
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Youâre never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
When I visit my familyâs houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what theyâre buying me for Xmas
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
đ
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
men donât eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
âYou donât like my cooking? Youâll be hearing from my lawyer!â – Sue Chef
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Iâve banned my kid from his X Box today so heâs gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldnât get them off before leaving the store.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think theyâre hilarious.đ
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly