Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

My five year plan is a meteorite

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.