Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

eggs benadryl

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni