Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower