Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that simple 👊🏻

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

How dude HOW?!

What the hell happened in there??

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.