Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh