Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.