Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

This checks out

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

🍛

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Someone should probably go check on Steve.