Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.