[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
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everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.