Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.