Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?