Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.