Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?