Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.