Trains are just sideway elevators.
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
omg leave her alone
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that