Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”