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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”