Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”