Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages