Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
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11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Sniffing the broccoli
What happened to the other hiker??!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.