Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Ghost costume 😂

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.