Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair