Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.