Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.