Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

is this meant to deter me

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat