Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*