Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
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What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead