Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”