Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

Saw online –

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”