Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day