transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
In space, no one can hear…
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[at the general store]
me: one general please
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“I’m helping” 😅
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.