transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.